Ten Rules for Dating

Helping our teenagers make wise dating decisions.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

All parents want to set up their children for success when it comes to dating relationships. We know the pain and heartache that arise from making foolish romantic choices in our youth. But how do we help teenagers and young adults make wise dating decisions?

Parents often feel ill-equipped to shepherd their kids through dating because (1) the rules of dating have changed so much over the years, and (2) they made bad relationship decisions when they were young. Parents naturally become passive and disengaged. They don’t want to be seen as too controlling as their children get older.

But here’s the truth: our children need parental guidance and wisdom to navigate dating relationships. Over the years, Barie and I have developed our top ten rules for dating. We recorded Ferguson Home videos on this topic back in 2020. But our thinking continues to mature as our children get older.

Four years ago, our oldest son was 16 and we were new to the world of dating kids. Today, our oldest son is 20 and in a serious dating relationship. Our other teens are 19, 17, and 15. We’ve had in-depth conversations with each of them as they try to figure out romantic relationships with the opposite sex.

My primary encouragement to parents? Stay engaged and lead the conversations. Don’t sit back and wait for your teens to approach you for help. Set your expectations early in their childhood (we explain our boundaries for dating when our kids are about to enter middle school).

Parents, remember that sometimes you have to be the “bad guy” to protect your children. That’s our job. It is better to have your kids not like you for a moment than allow them to make bad decisions that will hurt them in the long term.

So, what are our current top ten rules for dating?

1. Find Your Identity in Christ

   Romantic relationships get infinitely more complicated when we look to the other person to give us our sense of identity. Teens often make poor choices in who they date because they want someone to affirm their value and worth. Here’s the truth we have to reinforce with our kids: no one can do for you what Jesus does. If you are looking for a dating partner (or even future spouse) to provide your sense of self, you will get stuck in a destructive relationship. Young people must have a strong understanding of their identity in Christ before they date. This is the most important rule of the ten. As we tell our kids often, “love God first and most in your life and everything else will work itself out.” You can’t date someone to figure out who your identity. You must know who you are (and whose you are) so that you can date in a healthy way.

2. Be a Good Friend First

   We encourage our teenagers to learn how to be a good friend before they learn how to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. We meet a LOT of teens who don’t know how to be friends with the opposite sex. The combination of digital communication and overtly sexualized imagery has made genuine opposite-sex friendship less common. But dating is not the proper place to learn about friendship. That is backwards. Teens need to learn about friendship first. Dating well requires good friendship skills. So, help your teenagers learn how to be friends with large group of boys and girls. Friendship is hard, and friendship skills translate well to dating and marriage. To state my conviction more strongly: if your child doesn’t have any friends of the opposite sex, they are not ready for a dating relationship.

3. Grow Up, Then Date

   Dating requires personal maturity. What do I mean by “grow up” before you date? I mean that teens should not be dating before they have stepped into meaningful responsibility in other areas of their lives. Why would you think you are ready for a boyfriend or girlfriend when you don’t have a job, can’t drive, and aren’t passing your classes? Young people must take responsibility for other relationships in their lives before they date. Show maturity in your relationship with your parents, your siblings, and with God Himself. I tell my kids that they aren’t ready to date until they are 16, have a reliable job, are doing well in school, and are consistent in their walk with God. If our kids date befor they grow up, we are all asking for trouble.

4. Honor Your Parents

   The Bible is clear: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land.” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Real blessings flow from honoring your parents. This is especially true when it comes to dating. Parents, whatever rules you have in your home for dating, your kids should follow them. If you are thinking right now, “I don’t have any rules for dating,” that’s a problem. Firm up your convictions, communicate them, and be consistent. God commands children to obey their parents when they are in the home and to honor their parents throughout life. These commands don’t evaporate at 15 or whenever your teenager starts rolling their eyes at you. Children must honor their parents, especially when it comes to learning how to date.

5. Honor Their Parents

   I am passionate about this one. Don’t just honor your parents. Honor the parents of the person you want to date. I have trained my boys this way. When they step into the home of a girl they want to date, they are engaging parents who have spent 16+ years of their lives loving, investing in, providing for, and training up their daughter. I ask my boys to be respectful of any girl’s parents, honor them, and follow their rules for dating their daughter. And I expect this from boys who want to date my daughter. If you can’t honor Barie and me in our home, follow our rules, and respect our priorities, then you can’t date our daughter. It’s that simple. Teens, when you want to date someone, don’t just honor them - honor their parents.

6. Know What You’re Looking For

   Before you exclusively date someone, make sure they measure up to the list of character traits you are ultimately looking for in a spouse. Most teens have two things on their list - that they are cute and show interest in them. This bar is way too low for dating. I think every teenager should actually write down what they want in a future spouse and not date anyone who doesn’t fit that list. Now I know that teenagers are not fully mature yet and no one is perfect. But that’s even more reasons to wait to date. Young people, make sure you have character traits on your list, not just physical traits. What kind of person do you want to marry? Think deeply about this question. Make sure “loves God” and “walks in integrity” are at the top of your list. Look for someone who is “kind” and “selfless.” Please listen to the wisdom of an older brother here: choosing wisely is the most important part of dating and marriage.

7. Go With A Group

   Before you start dating exclusively, date in groups. This helps lower the pressure that everyone feels in the relationship. Take a sibling with you. Double date with another couple. Go with a large group. The point is that you can get to know the other person in group settings without dating one-on-one. I tell my kids all the time: before you commit to an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, try to figure out if you actually like hanging out with the person. Invite them to have dinner with your family. Invite them to hang out with a group of your friends. And then listen to the input of your family and friends. If everyone around you is telling you to avoid that person, don’t date them! This is another benefit of starting any relationship in a group setting.

8. Set Clear Boundaries

   Before you date, you must have clear boundaries. What does this include? You must have physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries in place before you get into a dating relationship. Physical boundaries include where you will go and how far you will go sexually in the dating relationship. Emotional boundaries are about how much of your heart you will give to a dating partner. Spiritual boundaries include how intimate you will get about your walk with God and your prayer time together. In reality, spiritual intimacy is the deepest form of oneness. Have clear boundaries up front and communicate those boundaries to the people you date. If they won’t honor your boundaries, don’t date them. If they don’t have any personal boundaries, don’t date them. You are asking for trouble. Remember: you are most likely dating someone else’s future spouse. Treat them the way that you hope others are treating your future spouse.

9. Protect Your Heart

   Let me double click on the setting clear emotional boundaries. Too many teenagers start saying “I love you” after two dates. That is foolish and unwise. Dating someone is not a long term commitment. Don’t give them your heart as you are getting to know them. Yes, physical boundaries are important - the Bible clearly teaches us to keep sexual activity within the bounds of the marriage covenant. But we often miss one of the KEY REASONS that God sets this physical boundary. Because when we are sexually intimate, our hearts get emotionally attached. And when you break up a dating relationship, the emotional damage can be even greater than the physical damage. So, protect your heart when you date. Don’t give your whole heart to someone until you are ready to marry them.

10. Date Late, Marry Early

    I know that I am in the minority on this conviction, but I don’t care. I still believe it is best to date late and marry early. Our culture communicates the opposite - date early and marry late. Here’s my problem with this worldview: if you start dating at 15 and get married at 30, you will bring 15 years of broken dating relationships into marriage. That doesn’t make any sense to me. But that is normative in our generation. I know couples can have problems when they marry too young, but the issue there is not age, it’s immaturity. Barie and I married when I was 21 and she was 20, and our marriage has been very strong. But we were both mature for our age. This goes back to my earlier rule: grow up and then date. My preference for young people is to date late (after 16) and marry early (if God provides the right person). This doesn’t mean you should marry quickly (you need time to get to know the person well), but it does mean you shouldn’t date and live together for 10 years before you get married.

I’m very curious to hear from my readers on this topic.

• What rules would you add to this list?

• What guidelines do you wish you had when you were dating?

• What boundaries did you have but struggled to keep?

Parents, my prayer for you is that God will give you the courage and stamina to guide your children on the dating journey. Young people, my prayer for you is that you would make wise decisions while you date that will set you up for great joy in the future. And please remember, parents and teens, there is grace from above when make mistakes. Thank God for His mercy!