Parenting Adult Kids
8 Shifts Parents Must Make When Launching Kids Into Adulthood
We are deep in the season of launching our children into adulthood. We’ve sent two of our kids off to college, with a third leaving in August. In May, we celebrated the marriage of our oldest son, and another one will graduate from high school next year. Meanwhile, we’re still raising two younger kids at home.
It’s a unique and sacred tension. We’re learning how to loosen our grip with our older kids while staying present and engaged with those still under our roof. As we walk this journey, we’re realizing that parenting adult children requires a different posture, one marked by humility, trust, and love.
Here are eight key shifts we are trying to make in this season of transition. We don’t do these perfectly, but we hope these lessons will help strengthen your relationships with your adult kids, just as they are helping us.
1. From Control to Influence
When our kids are young, control is necessary. We decide what they eat, when they sleep, and what shows they can watch. But as they become adults, our control must transform into influence. We no longer set the agenda for their lives. Instead, we seek to inspire them by the way we live.
This means living a life worth imitating. Our prayers shift from "Lord, make them listen to me" to "Lord, help them see You in me." As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ." We influence by example, not by pressure.
We don’t get upset when we don’t get our way. We aren’t in control of their decisions. Instead, we seek to influence our kids toward Christ because they see something in our lives that they desire for themselves.
2. From Offering Unsolicited Advice to Answering Questions
Nothing builds distance with an adult child faster than unsolicited advice. What we intend as helpful often comes across as critical. They hear, "You don't trust me." So we’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) to wait until we’re asked. When we hold our advice loosely, they are more likely to seek our perspective freely.
Instead of pouncing on every decision they make, we aim to be available, not overbearing. It’s the difference between following them around with a flashlight or sitting by the campfire, waiting to be invited into the conversation. Jim Burns puts it well in Doing Life With Your Adult Children: "Unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism."
3. From Disciplining Their Mistakes to Relational Support
In childhood, discipline protects our kids from consequences that are too much for them to bear. But as adults, they are fully responsible for their own choices. Our role shifts from intervening to supporting. When they mess up (and they will), we want to be a soft place to land, not a hard wall of judgment.
This doesn’t mean condoning sin or ignoring harmful patterns. It means walking with them through failure rather than trying to shield them from it. Like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, we want to be watching the road, not chasing them down it. Our relationship becomes the bridge back to grace.
Ultimately, we trust God to discipline our adult kids just as He has disciplined us (with love and patience). We know that our kids will face hard times when they make foolish choices, but our job isn’t to pile on, but to help them get up. The realities of life are challenging enough on their own.
4. From Teaching to Modeling
There was a time when we were the primary source of information in our children’s lives. Now, they have unlimited access to content, mentors, and opinions. They are learning things we never did, and sometimes teaching us. That’s a gift, not a threat.
In this stage, our teaching becomes less about transferring knowledge and more about demonstrating wisdom. They may not remember our lectures, but they will remember how we treated people, how we handled adversity, and how we pursued the Lord.
5. From Holding Close to Open Hands
Releasing our children is one of the most emotional aspects of parenting. We remember the scraped knees, the bedtime prayers, the family dinners. And now we’re supposed to let go? Yes. Because they were never really ours to begin with.
Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning. It means entrusting them fully to the care of a faithful God. As Elisabeth Elliot wrote, "God never denies us our heart’s desire except to give us something better." We trust that His plans for them are better than our own. Open hands are an act of worship.
6. From My Family to Your Family
When a child gets married, a new family is formed. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that a man will "leave his father and mother and be united to his wife." That means our role as parents must shift. We move from the center to the sidelines — not in love, but in leadership.
Supporting our married children means honoring their new family unit. It means deferring to their unity, not pulling them back into our preferences. It means embracing their spouse as fully as we embraced them. Tim Keller said, "Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole."
7. From Our Way (Parental Authority) to God’s Way (Biblical Authority)
As our kids mature, we are no longer the ultimate voice in their lives. Nor should we be. We want them to live under God’s authority, not ours. We are training them to seek God’s wisdom, not just our approval.
This means we must be willing to say, "I don’t have the answer, but I trust the Lord does." It’s a freeing shift, both for us and for them. Scripture becomes their compass. Our job is to continually point them to it. Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path."
8. From Prayer to Prayer
Prayer was our starting point in parenting. And it remains our strongest weapon now. We prayed over cribs and school lunches, and now we pray over dorm rooms, marriages, and job interviews. Our kids may grow up, but our role as intercessors never ends.
This shift is not from prayer to silence, but from praying with them to praying over them. In the quiet spaces where we no longer have access or influence, we call on the One who does. As Charles Spurgeon said, "Prayer moves the arm that moves the world."
Final Thoughts
Launching adult children is more than a change in their lives — it’s a transformation in ours. These eight shifts help us release control, lean into grace, and walk alongside our kids with humility and trust. God is still writing their story — and ours.
If we hold too tightly, we risk damaging the very relationship we want to preserve. If we let go too soon, we may miss the sacred opportunity to walk beside them in these defining years. But if we embrace these shifts with love, grace, and prayer, we offer our children the blessing of confident independence rooted in faith.
This is not a season to fear, but a season to steward. A season to learn new rhythms, deepen our dependence on the Lord, and trust that He who began a good work in our children will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6). May we all parent with open hands, tender hearts, and persistent prayers as we walk with our kids into adulthood and beyond.
A Prayer for Parents of Adult Kids
Heavenly Father,
Thank You for the gift of our children — for every season we’ve shared, for every lesson they’ve taught us, and for the joy of watching them grow into adulthood. We confess that letting go is hard. Our hearts are full of love and concern, and we struggle to release control. Help us trust You more deeply, knowing You love them even more than we do.
Teach us to parent with grace. To speak with wisdom, to stay silent when needed, and to always lead with love. Help us resist fear, anxiety, and regret. Give us discernment to know when to step in and when to step back. Help our lives be a faithful model of devotion to You.
We pray over our children’s futures — their faith, relationships, work, and calling. Protect them. Guide them. Draw them to Yourself. May they walk in the light of Your Word and live for the glory of Your Name. When they fall, surround them with grace. When they succeed, keep them humble.
Make us faithful intercessors. Keep our hearts soft, our prayers constant, and our hands open. Thank You for the privilege of being their parents. May we never stop cheering, praying, and pointing them to Jesus.
In His name we pray, Amen.
Thank you, Keith!
Our children are so precious to us.
We have always known they are God's! We love them and continue to look to God for their lives.
So so good Keith. Thank you for helping me stay grounded through Jesus in my parenting.